The Church of FIRE

I’m a disciple of the Church of FIRE. I stick to its 10 commandments and rarely sin. Some say we are a cult, some say we are crazy & doomed, but we have faith in money! Oh, and our holy drink is brewed with love, just so you know.

The Church of FIRE

In case you are not familiar with the Church of FIRE. It is all about worshipping the mighty $ (or €/£), its investment potential and it’s compounding effects. This elixer of gold has the potential to provide you with even more happiness, time, comfort and piece of mind. But only if you use it wisely, be a fool and it will kick you down faster than you can say “negative cash-flow”!

The Church of fire
The Church of fire

God of FIRE

No one has ever seen the God(s) of FIRE. He/she/it is as invisible as compounding interest, student loans and that cash that disappears from your wallet and you don’t know where it went. But…..

Some say….

  • she looks like an old lady that roams the woods
  • he looks like a white male tech engineer with a mustache
  • he is an old man that uses profanity, all the time!
  • she lives in a home where it is freezing
  • he love waffles on Wednesday
  • he wears a bicycle helmet?!
  • she used to fly in planes and feed people, that’s just weird.
  • he might even have tentacles……
  • he has also been spotted with a mohawk!

All we know for sure is that the “it” is NOT called the STIG, and does not drive that amazing looking new Aston Martin Vantage……. Because, well, that would contradict with the 10 commandments!

The 10 Commandments

Every Church of FIRE follower should adhere to the following 10 commandments to fulfill the holy mission to freedom and financial independence.

01 – Thou shalt not spend more than thy earned

The first commandment is very clear in that thou shalt not spend more than thy income. EVER! The penalty of such a sin shall be burning in the bowels of a credit facility. Escape is very difficult to say the least, for some it may even seem impossible. Ye be warned!

02 – Thou Shalt optimize thy spending

Every $ or € that thou brings into the household must be used with utter care. Thou shalt optimize thy spending in everyway possible. Efficiency with thy hard earned cash, while maintaining balance with the force of money, is critical for thy happiness and comfort.

04 – Thou Shalt kill credit

Credit (unless used as leverage to invest into the divine structures of brick and mortar) is the greatest evil and shall be exterminated at any costs! This great evil must be slain with the power of labour, passion and compounding interest as applicable. Be strong, ye can conquer this great evil. Especially with the power of your fellow converts of the Church of FIRE.

04 – Thou shalt invest every cent thy can spare

Once ye has mastered the first three commandments, thou shalt invest every penny/cent thy can. The effects of compounding interest are truly divine. May thy cash-flow and/or capital gains be abundant!

05 – Thou shalt visit the holy FINCON at least once in a lifetime

A pilgrimage to the holy gathering at FINCON is required for each disciple (or Minister) of the Church of FIRE. Thou shalt mingle with the other converts and reinforce thy dedication to the force of money.

The Church of FIRE - the 10 commandments (or candles)
The Church of FIRE – the 10 commandments (or candles)

06 – Thou shalt not invest in high costs mutual funds or with fund managers

The power of money shall be primarily used for thyself. It is strictly forbidden to supplement the incomes of financial professional that provide thee with expensive investment vehicles. Thou shalt do thy own homework and find low cost investments!

07 – Thou shalt not play adultery with discounts

The great evil of retail spaces is uncanny. Thou will try to get you to play adultery with thy hard earned money and buy unneeded “stuff” on “discount”. The use of word “stuff” is not permitted in the church of FIRE, punishable by drinking lots of holy water. The wrath of the holy water shall be lots of pain in the head. Ye be warned! Only be swayed by the word “discount” when thee need essentials! Otherwise, run swiftly into the other direction.

08 – Thou shalt not steal from thy own bank account

Thou shalt never steal from thy bank account. Net even for an Aston Martin……. period! Well, perhaps an NSX is ok…… now I’m confused.

09 – Thou shalt convert thy neighbor to the holy causes of the Church of FIRE

Thou shalt spread the holy word and it’s increased happiness to others around ye. It is the mission of the Church of FIRE to enable happiness in others by the means of financial freedom and independence. Go out and show others the light! Spread the word!

10 – Thou shalt ignore nay-sayers and keep on the path of the light at the end of the tunnel/investment accounts

When on the path to freedom and happiness, thou shalt encounter many nay-sayers. Be strong, the force is with thee my fellow converts! Ye is smart, remember that. Thou favour the longterm for the YOLO & FOMO. Don’t be fooled by the arguments of the Devil herself, ye is not doomed!

Profanity & Sinning

First off, using profanity is not a sin! In case of doubt, see the holy words by some of our founding fathers:

Second, this hole FIRE thing fucking works! Money makes more money, thy shall make sure thy gets a piece of this amazing pie.

However, in case you have sinned. Tell ye fellow converts and ask for forgiveness. They will hold you accountable to not fuck up again!

The holy water

As with every great cult….. I mean religion, we have holy water. In case of the Church of FIRE, this is brewed with grains, hops, yeast and water. With the occasional flavouring to make it even more divine! It is occasionally permitted to overindulge in this holy water. But be careful not to overdo it too often, thy health is important too!

The Church of FIRE - the holy brew
The Church of FIRE – the holy brew

Showing pictures of the holy water on the Twitter universe is highly supported and seen as a great way to promote our religion. I’m getting thirsty now. Off to some holy brewed goodies………

Becoming a Minister in the Church of FIRE

As I recently became a Minister in the Church of FIRE, I like to give you my blessing to become one too. Please download the following PDF and just write your name on it. Hang it above you bed and pray that your investments will continue to increase in value!

The Church of FIRE – Certificate of ordination

 

Amen, or as we say in the Church of FIRE, Amazing Memories Enabling Networth!

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32 Comments

  1. If you weren’t in Europe, I’d hug you. A fellowship hug of course!

    Nice work man. It seems of late that the Salem Witch Trials are underway for poor Suze. Are we becoming too much like the Scientologists? A cult that requires a lemming-like following and NO ONE EVER LEAVES? LOL…

    Glad cranky, smart Sam at Financial Samurai is there to often challenge the gospel. I’ll take my communion now, thanks!

  2. Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I guess. However, my only debt is caused by one of those divine structures and killing that credit prevents me from following the 4th commandment. Also, I think I have plenty of time to fulfill the 5th so maybe I am not doomed. Please present me my punishment, how much holy water should I consume to wash myself clean? 🙂

  3. Who you callin’ old, you Cheesy whippersnapper you??!!

    Oh, and mostly I am not a profane old man, I just play one on video occasionally. 😉

    Love the Certificate idea 🙂

    1. The godfather approves of the certificate! Now I’m truly blessed 🙂
      Sorry your holiness, I might have overestimated your age. You must still be young at heart 🙂

    1. Thank you, oh faithful follower of the Church 🙂
      May thy yield be large indeed. Perhaps we should buy a church together, holy mass with beer! Oh right, we have the Jopenkerk for that 😉

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